The three types of fans you meet in Coaching Hell

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Well, it looks like this plane is about to crash into the mountain, so we might as well start preparing ourselves for the fallout of CoachFail 2013.

If it’s true that Mack Brown’s departure has already been agreed and arranged, to be announced at 2013’s conclusion, that means we lucky Longhorns are about to be subjected to TWO AND A HALF WHOLE MONTHS of rampant coaching speculation!  Even though the hiring process won’t even BEGIN until the season ends!  Oh, boy, won’t this be fun? [sEARCHES FRANTICALLY FOR ARSENIC]

Though only a small select few of UT’s biggest bigwigs will actually participate in the Coaching Selection process, that won’t stop EVERY SINGLE ALUM AND FAN from having a red hot opinion on who should be the next to grace the Texas sideline. And no matter how casual the observer, or how tenuous the tie to The University of Texas, every single male within 500 miles of Austin will not be happy to tell you that HE KNOWS what’s gonna happen, or what needs to happen.

I’ve found in life that I’m most annoyed when there’s a whole lot of people talking, and not a lot of people knowing. Coaching searches bring out the worst in this human behavior. It’s a peculiar sort of humblebrag. A way for the UT male to exert that he:

a.) Knows more about football than you,

b.) Knows more connected people than you,

c.) Knows how to run a $100M revenue enterprise better than you, or anyone else.

During the next 3 months, at games, tailgates, dinner parties, and around the office, prepare to meet the three worst kinds of fans on earth.

The Mercenary

The Mercenary spent 10 minutes last week reading the Wikipedia page of [iNSERT WHATEVER COACH’S NAME] last week, and by God, that’s enough for him. SOLD. [COACH’S NAME] will bring [Pick one: ENERGY/DISCIPLINE/PRIDE/TOUGHNESS] back to Austin, which we haven’t for at least [iNSERT RIDICULOUSLY ABSURD PERIOD] years.

Despite the fact that The Mercenary has absolutely zero knowledge about the current coaching market, and couldn’t tell you the difference between Mark Dantonio and Mike Dantoni, that won’t stop him from telling you that [COACH’S NAME] is the ONLY…O-N-L-Y choice for “us”.  Should you dare to challenge the Mercenary or debate the merits of various candidates, you will be met with irritation. Should you dare to question the merits of The Mercenary’s guy, you might be met with violence. At best, your loyalty to the program will be questioned should even dare to consider any candidate who is so inferior to [COACH’S NAME].

Do you want to know what it is like to live in hell?  Stumble across a heated argument between TWO Mercenaries.  Unfortunately life does not come with a mute button.

 The Dreamer

The Dreamer sees things you could never see in DKR-TMS.  Maybe you’re too scared to think outside the box.  BILL BELICHICK?  Well I heard that Bill has a fondness for torturously hot summers and overrated music festivals.  Hologram Ghost of Tom Landry roaming the Longhorns sideline in 2014?  DON’T LAUGH THEY HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.  The Dreamer doesn’t have time for contract limitations, or due process, or reality.  When you try to walk away, The Dreamer will follow you, and start peppering you with questions like “But why WOULDN’T Jon Gruden leave ESPN Monday Night Football for Texas?”

The next thing you know you’re preparing your reasoned, measured response to The Dreamer and GOD DANGIT WHY ARE WE EVEN CONSIDERING THIS AS AN OPTION?

The Informant

Psst. Cm’here. Hey, I’m not supposed to be telling you this, but…. [hushed tone] I’m good friends with a guy in Bellmont. He said they already signed the contract back in 2011 as a backup plan, and Nick Saban’s already looking at Texas game film. Yeah, I realize it makes no sense whatsoever, but that’s what my guy says. My guy is on the inside. Deep inside.

A guide/translator for dealing with The Informant:

 

• “I’m not supposed to be telling you this” = What you’re about to hear is complete, unadulterated B.S.

 

•  “I’m good friends with a guy in Bellmont” = I pay $9.95 a month to some guy I found on Google by typing “MAC BROWN NEEDS FIRED”

 

• “Yeah I realize it makes no sense whatsoever” = I do not, in fact, realize that it makes no sense whatsoever.

 

• “My guy is on the inside” = My guy tells me he is on the inside. I’m not even sure he lives in Austin.

 

• “Deep inside” = I’m gullible as hell.