Bowl Guide Part II

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

 

Notre Dame vs. LSU

 

Where: Nashville, TN – LP Field

 

When: Dec. 30, 3 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: LSU -7.5

 

Watchability Rating: Brian Kelly tries to make everyone forget that any solid team mudholes the Irish. With a very average LSU team in Nashville, Kelly has a fighting chance. This is must-see TV.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “OMG! Catholics and Cajuns are fighting on the mean streets of Nashville!”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Tiger vs the guy on my cereal box that makes me laugh. I hope cereal guy doesn’t get hurt too bad.

 

 

 

 

 

Belk Bowl

 

Georgia vs. Louisville

 

Where: Charlotte, NC – Bank of America Stadium

 

When: Dec. 30, 6:30 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: UGA -7

 

Watchability Rating: National perception is that this is a game between a school that underachieves and a school that overachieves. Send the in-laws to Belk so you can watch in peace. Hooray for sponsors!

 

How to get your wife to watch: She’s with your in-laws at Belk. She has your credit card. It’s worth it.

 

Kindergartener analysis: I’ve never seen a bird with teeth. That’s dumb. I like Dawgs.

 

 

 

 

 

Foster Farms Bowl

 

Maryland vs. Stanford

 

Where: Santa Clara, CA – Levi’s Stadium

 

When: Dec. 30, 10 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Stanford -14.5

 

Watchability Rating: It’s late. Tomorrow is new year’s eve. Save it for one that matters.

 

How to get your wife to watch: (act interested!) “Honey, show me what you bought at Belk today. Again.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Turtles against Trees. That’s boring. No one gets hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl

 

No. 9 Ole Miss vs. No. 6 TCU

 

Where: Atlanta, GA – Georgia Dome

 

When: Dec. 31, 12:30 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: TCU -3

 

Watchability Rating: This is why you skipped the game last night.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “Let’s pretend like we’re in college and pre-party for New Year’s eve with a couple of pitchers at lunch.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: An old man against a frog with spikes. Cool!

 

 

 

 

 

VIZIO Fiesta Bowl

 

No. 20 Boise State vs. No. 10 Arizona

 

Where: Glendale, AZ – University of Phoenix Stadium

 

When: Dec. 31, 4 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Arizona -3

 

Watchability Rating: Pick and choose your battles wisely…the first and third games today matter, this one doesn’t.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “Let’s practice our midnight kiss.” (Level Up! Add 3 Wisdom points.)

 

Kindergartener analysis: Mean horses versus wild cats…wait, didn’t we already do this one?

 

 

 

 

 

Capital One Orange Bowl

 

No. 7 Mississippi State vs. No. 12 Georgia Tech

 

Where: Miami Gardens, FL – Sun Life Stadium

 

When: Dec. 31, 8 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Mississippi State -7

 

Watchability Rating: Promise whatever you need to in order not to miss this…especially for the masquerade party at Jeff & Susie’s house.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “Trust me – we’ll be fashionably late and make an awesome entrance at 11:30.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: How many bees are there? I hope not too many, because I like dogs.

 

 

 

 

 

Outback Bowl

 

Auburn vs. Wisconsin

 

Where: Tampa, FL – Raymond James Stadium

 

When: Jan. 1, Noon

 

Network: ESPN2

 

Vegas line: Auburn -5.5

 

Watchability Rating: This is on the Deuce at Noon on purpose. Nurse your hangover and take your wife to brunch. Eat grease, drink coffee and knock back a few Bloody Marys. Just make sure you’re home at 12:30.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “What’s the name of that brunch place you’ve been wanting to go to?”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Remember that time you showed me the video of the crazy nastyass honey badger? Don’t worry, I didn’t tell Mom. Is this one like that? No? Then the Tiger wins.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic

 

No. 8 Michigan State vs. No. 5 Baylor

 

Where: Arlington, TX – AT&T Stadium

 

When: Jan. 1, 12:30 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Baylor -3

 

Watchability Rating: Drink an extra cup of coffee at brunch so you don’t fall asleep, but don’t overdo it. No one likes the rumbles while you’re trying to watch the game.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “I had so much fun last night, but it was a late one for sure. Why don’t you stretch out and relax?”

 

Kindergartener analysis: I was gonna say bears, but that warrior has armor and a sword. This is gonna be awesome!

 

 

 

 

 

Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl

 

Missouri vs. Minnesota

 

Where: Orlando, FL – Florida Citrus Bowl

 

When: Jan. 1, 1 p.m.

 

Network: ABC

 

Vegas line: Missouri -5.5

 

Watchability Rating: Yes, Missouri and Minnesota are really playing on New Year’s Day, but don’t sweat it. The Cotton Bowl is on.

 

How to get your wife to watch: Shut up! She’s snoozing.

 

Kindergartener analysis: How come everybody wants to be a Tiger? Can I be a Tiger for Halloween? I don’t even know what a gopher is. Is that what they feed tigers at the zoo?

 

 

 

 

 

Rose Bowl Game Presented By Northwestern Mutual

 

College Football Playoff Semifinal

 

No. 2 Oregon vs. No. 3 Florida State

 

Where: Pasadena, CA – Rose Bowl

 

When: Jan. 1, 5 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Oregon -9.5

 

Watchability Rating: It’s the first-ever Division I college football playoff game – you should have a cooler beside you, five times the amount of snacks that can eat in a sitting, and a catheter in at this point.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “More than half a million roses are used in the Rose Parade. Roses remind me of our wedding day.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Do you think the indian will throw his flaming spear at the duck? That would be awesome.

 

 

 

 

 

Allstate Sugar Bowl

 

College Football Playoff Semifinal

 

No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 4 Ohio State

 

Where: New Orleans, LA – Mercedes-Benz Superdome

 

When: Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Alabama -10

 

Watchability Rating: If you need this document to convince you to watch, then I don’t even know why you’re reading this.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “The same day we do Café du Monde we should eat dinner at Antoine’s. Have I ever told you that I daydream about us living in a Victorian mansion on St. Charles Avenue?”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Why does Alabama need two mascots if they’re the number one team? What does insecure mean? Isn’t that what you say about Uncle Rick? Wait……the other team’s mascot is a NUT?

 

 

 

 

 

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

 

Houston vs. Pittsburgh

 

Where: Fort Worth, TX – Amon G. Carter Stadium

 

When: Jan. 2, Noon

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Pitt -3

 

Watchability Rating: If you planned well, you have today off. Don’t waste part of a vacation day watching this game.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “The Armed Forces Bowl is on! I think we should bunker down in bed. It’s the only appropriate way for us to acknowledge the game.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Cougars vs Panthers AND armed forces….wait, where are you and Mom going?

 

 

 

 

 

TaxSlayer Bowl

 

Iowa vs. Tennessee

 

Where: Jacksonville, FL – EverBank Field

 

When: Jan. 2, 3:20 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Tennessee -3.5

 

Watchability Rating: Tennessee’s defense is horrific, but Iowa will throw horizontally all afternoon. Watch. Remember. Enjoy – it’s someone else’s problem now.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “As much as you like John Denver, you need to sit down. You’re in for a real treat…”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Another dumb bird against a school with 2 mascots. Look! That dog is howling! He’s cool.

 

 

 

 

 

Valero Alamo Bowl

 

Kansas State vs. UCLA

 

Where: San Antonio, TX – Alamodome

 

When: Jan. 2, 6:45 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: KSU -2

 

Watchability Rating: This game is hugely important to both teams, and their conferences. Plus it’s easily the best post-NYD bowl.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “Honey, they just showed this thing called the River Walk on tv. They’re still talking about it. It looks romantic. We should go.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Dad, why do the UCLA cheerleaders make me feel funny?

 

 

 

 

 

TicketCity Cactus Bowl

 

Washington vs. Oklahoma State

 

Where: Tempe, AZ – Sun Devil Stadium

 

When: Jan. 2, 10:15 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Washington -4.5

 

Watchability Rating: There are only 3 games left after this one. Drink a Red Bull with vodka and stay up. I repeat…there are only 3 games left after this one.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “Look at the OSU coach…his hair is impeccable.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Cowboys with guns against dogs? I don’t like this game anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Birmingham Bowl

 

East Carolina vs. Florida

 

Where: Birmingham, AL – Legion Field

 

When: Jan. 3, 1 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Florida -7

 

Watchability Rating: You don’t even get treated to Muschamp acting like an ass on the sidelines. Florida is hellabad. East Carolina is…..East Carolina. Say it with me, “Only two games left until the offseason.”

 

How to get your wife to watch: Don’t even bother. The teams are bad, and you’re in a terrible mood. Wallow in self-pity about the end of the season and don’t subject her to it.

 

Kindergartener analysis: Pirates and alligators?!?! COOL!

 

 

 

 

 

GoDaddy Bowl

 

Toledo vs. Arkansas State

 

Where: Mobile, AL – Ladd-Peebles Stadium

 

When: January 4, 9 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Vegas line: Toledo -2.5

 

Watchability Rating: GoDaddy commercials are so hilariously bad, they’re good. Snooze through this game in tribute to the regular season.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “There’s only a week left until the championship game. If you need to skip watching this game so you can plan the menu and write a grocery list for the championship, that’s totally fine. Wait? What did I say wrong? Where are you going?!?”

 

Kindergartener analysis: Red wolves sound mean, but it’s rockets. Even if they aren’t the cool exploding kind of rockets, they’re still gonna kill wolves.

 

 

 

 

 

CFP NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME PRES. BY AT&T

 

TBD vs. TBD

 

Where: Arlington, TX – AT&T Stadium

 

When: Jan. 12, 8:30 p.m.

 

Network: ESPN

 

Watchability Rating: Tomorrow it’s honey-do season. Bask in tonight’s gloriousness. Savor it.

 

How to get your wife to watch: “I am not crying. I just wish they’d stop mentioning that this is the last game……Hold me.”

 

Kindergartener analysis: I’m glad the nuts lost already. That’s the worst mascot in, like, ever.