Put a Smile on Your Face

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=20pt]More Truisms[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Success always occurs in private and failure occurs in full [/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]view[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Get a new car for your spouse - it will be a great trade[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.....[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

Top this selfie!

 

[Duke C #11]

The Face Lift

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a
face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called
"The Knob," where a  small knob is placed on the top of a
woman's head and can be turned to  tighten up her skin to
produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of  course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob, and the  effects were
wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems: "All these years, everything has been working just
fine."  she said. "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've
always loved  the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I  have these terrible bags under my eyes and
the knob won't get rid of  them."

T doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those  are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee."

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[drgilbert]

Duke, now that's a party!😃

 

[doc longhorn]

[SIZE=10pt]Two little boys were playing football in a park in College Station, Texas and one was suddenly under attack by a rabid rottweiler.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped off a board from a nearby fence, wedged it down the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]A reporter who was strolling by saw the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. "FUTURE AGGIE SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL," he starts writing in his notebook.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"But I'm not going to be an Aggie," the little boy told him.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Sorry, since we're in College Station, I just assumed you were," said the reporter. He starts again, "YOUNG AGGIE FOOTBALL FAN RESCUES FRIEND FROM HORRIFIC ATTACK," wrote the reporter.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"I'm not an Aggie football fan either," said the boy.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Well, gosh, " said the reporter, "I thought everyone in the College Station area pulled for Texas A&M. Just who do you root for?" the reporter asked.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"I'm a longhorn fan," said the boy with pride.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook, "LITTLE HIPPIE FREAKBOY MURDERS BELOVED FAMILY PET."[/SIZE]

 

[doc longhorn]

 

[CCausey11]

OMG

 

[HornEsch]

 

[MikeV73]

That sounds more like a 4D porno. Lukas, have you reviewed this one?

 

[Duke C #11]

“I grew up in a neighborhood so tough that the sign on the library wall said,​

[SIZE=11pt]                 â€œSHUT THE F@#K UP!† - Rodney Dangerfield[/SIZE][SIZE=11pt]                 [/SIZE]​

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[HornEsch]

I think this is fitting for some fans...

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=14pt]IT’S A STRANGE WORLD:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do “slow down†and “slow up†mean the same thing?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do “fat chance†and “slim chance†mean the same thing?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why are they called tugboats when they push their barges?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why are they called “stands†when they are for sitting?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]If you “expect the unexpectedâ€, is the unexpected now expected?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why are “wise men†and “wise guys†opposites?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do “overlook†and “oversee†mean opposite things?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why is “phonics†not spelled the way it sounds?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why is “abbreviated†such a long word?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do we refer to a “pair†of underwear when we only wear one?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do none of the following words rhyme?  Bough, cough, dough and rough. [/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[MikeV73]

IT’S A STRANGE WORLD:

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

Why do “slow down†and “slow up†mean the same thing?

Why do “fat chance†and “slim chance†mean the same thing?

Why are they called tugboats when they push their barges?

Why are they called “stands†when they are for sitting?

If you “expect the unexpectedâ€, is the unexpected now expected?

Why are “wise men†and “wise guys†opposites?

Why do “overlook†and “oversee†mean opposite things?

Why is “phonics†not spelled the way it sounds?

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why is “abbreviated†such a long word?

Why do we refer to a “pair†of underwear when we only wear one?

Why do none of the following words rhyme? Bough, cough, dough and rough.

These sound very Steven Wrightesque. Have to add a fav of mine from him: why is a roach clip called a roach clip instead of a pot holder?

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Two women are sitting outside smoking while they wait for the bus. After a few minutes it starts to rain. The first woman opens her purse, takes out a condom, cuts off the tip and sticks her cigarette through the condom to protect it from the rain.

The second woman notices and inquires, "What are those?" The first lady replies, "These are condoms. You can get them from the pharmacist."

The second woman decides to get some condoms before the bus comes. She runs to the nearby drugstore and tells the pharmacist she's in a hurry and needs some condoms.

Pharmacist says, "Sure thing. What size do you need?"

Woman replies, "Big enough for a Camel."[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]nearby well-to-do neighborhood.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]had any odd jobs for her to do.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]much will you charge me?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]would need was in the garage.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]two coats.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]to her along with a ten dollar tip.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]