Put a Smile on Your Face

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[doc longhorn]

Nice going, Duke - keep it up.

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Sirhornsalot]

 

[J.B. TexasEx]

Lord, I apologize for thinking this was funny...

 

[Sirhornsalot]

last days of summer . . . 

This guy has an answer for water restrictions . . .

Precision team work. Now, if they could be as good at cleaning their rooms! lol

 

[Duke C #11]

A doctor gave this collection to me years ago. Enjoy.

[SIZE=12pt]A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~`
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on
the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . .. . Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR `
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI[/SIZE]
 

 

[doc longhorn]

A doctor gave this collection to me years ago. Enjoy.

[SIZE=12pt]A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby[/SIZE]

in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the

lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big

breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that

her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than

five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family

that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~`

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity

test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,

"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line

perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I

requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on

the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what

I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was

laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble

with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The

nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm

running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . .. . Yes, the man had over

fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How

long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion

she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband

was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR `

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's

your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the

Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient

replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil

packet labelled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

Oh, I could tell you a few.

I was caring for a baby with severe diaper rash and I asked the mother, with multiple children, how often she changed the baby?  The serious reply?

"It's the same baby, I've never changed him".

 

[doc longhorn]

When the season began, I had hope and great expectations, and now:

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

A young woman was pulled over in Austin ,

 Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car

 window,  flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you

 are going to sell me  a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas

 State Troopers don't have balls.

 "There was a moment of silence while she smiled and

 he realized what  he'd just said.

 He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car

 and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The w oman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.[/SIZE]

 

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Alan, age 10[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Kristen, age 10[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Camille, age 10[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Derrick, age 8[/SIZE]

 

[SIZE=18pt]WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Both don't want any more kids. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Lori, age 8[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Lynnette, age 8[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt](isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Martin, age 10[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Craig, age 9[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Anita, age 9[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt](bless you child)[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]When they're rich. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Pam, age 7[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]- - Curt, age 7[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Howard, age 8[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Kelvin, age 8[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]And the #1 Favorite is........ [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]-- Ricky, age 10[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of  Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.  The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?†“Eightâ€, the boy replied.  The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?† The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me.  They are for him. He’s my little brother.  He’s four.† We saw on TV that if you use these you would  be able to swim and ride a bike.  He can’t do either one.† [/SIZE]