It's a Funny World

[Duke C #11]

HELLO OPERATOR PART 3

[SIZE=13.5pt]This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:             'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
                        Went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the S creen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
                        Type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                         Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                         The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
                        plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
                         there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
                         one? '
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
                         find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
                         the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
                         way over?'
Caller:               'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
                         because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark?'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
                         coming in from the window.'
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not?'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it  
                         licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and  
                         packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it   
                         up just like it was when you got it.[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]Then take it back to
                          the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:           'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:           'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer![/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

pizza delivery in the Caribbean

 

[Juan]

So they have been asked to use non-existent words and poor grammer? Stay classy Tennessee!

grammar.  heh

 

[MikeV73]

grammar. heh

Check, I should have transferred to Tennessee. I would have been wise to proofread or spell check after typing on my tiny iPhone keyboard!

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=14pt]Performance Evaluations[/SIZE]

These are actual quotes taken from  United States Federal Government
employee performance  evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached  rock-bottom & has
   started to dig."
 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee  is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
      definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under  constant supervision & cornered like a  rat
     in a trap."
5. "When  she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to  change
      feet." 
7. "This young  lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal  standards & then consistently fails  to
     achieve them."
9.  "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10.  "This employee should go far, & the sooner he starts, the better."
 11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
 13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
 19. "If you see two people talking & one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost & the other is out looking
       for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29.  "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30.  "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=13.5pt]As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    An impressive new book.  It's called[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]2. Transvestite:    A guy who likes to eat, drink[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    And be Mary[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]3. The difference between the Pope and[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Your boss,  the Pope only expects you[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    To kiss his ring.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]4. My mind works like lightning,  One brilliant[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Flash  and it is gone.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]5. The only time the world beats a path to[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Your door is if you're in  the bathroom.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]7. It used to be only death and taxes[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Were inevitable Now, of course, there's [/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Shipping and handling, too.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]8.. A husband is someone who, after taking[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]     The trash out, gives the impression that[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]     He just cleaned the whole house.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]9 My next house will have no kitchen - just[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]    Vending machines and a  large trash can.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=13.5pt]    Mechanic might try to rip me off.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]      I was relieved when he told me all[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]      I needed was turn signal fluid.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]11. Definition of a teenager?[/SIZE]

      [SIZE=13.5pt]God's punishment...for enjoying sex.[/SIZE]      

[SIZE=13.5pt]12. As you slide down the banister of life, may[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]     The splinters never point the wrong way[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]Homonym Humor Plus Part 1 of 3[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine. 
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.  
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 
5. Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.  
6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.  
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  
8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 
9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?  
10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.  
11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. [/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]Homonym Humor Plus Part 2 of 3[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.  
14. Definition of a will: a dead give away. 
15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.  
16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.  
17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 
18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?  
20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.  
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.  
22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. [/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]Homonym Humor Plus Part 3 of 3[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.  [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.  
25. Every calendar's days are numbered.  
26. A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.  
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.  
28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.  
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.  
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.  
31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.  
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

took out the ref

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=14pt]IT’S A STRANGE WORLD:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do “slow down†and “slow up†mean the same thing?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do “fat chance†and “slim chance†mean the same thing?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why are they called tugboats when they push their barges?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why are they called “stands†when they are for sitting?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]If you “expect the unexpectedâ€, is the unexpected now expected?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why are “wise men†and “wise guys†opposites?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do “overlook†and “oversee†mean opposite things?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why is “phonics†not spelled the way it sounds?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why is “abbreviated†such a long word?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do we refer to a “pair†of underwear when we only wear one?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]Why do none of the following words rhyme?  Bough, cough, dough and rough. [/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

https://vine.co/v/eT2MIvmUxY2

 

[J.B. TexasEx]

took out the ref

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

As a TXHSFB official, I don't see much humor in that clip!

 

[Juan]

As a TXHSFB official, I don't see much humor in that clip!

OK, but the name of the thread is "funny world" and the actions of these kids arguably fall under that category, depending how you choose to limit or expand it.

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Juan]

Azteza uses Trump clips to advertise a soccer match against the US

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-T7anMOHFw

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[UTK66]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[PeteA422]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

I remember playing trash can jenga in college.  If a piece of trash falls out, you take out the trash.  Joys of living in a house with 5 other dudes.  Hahaha, good times.