It's a Funny World
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J.B. TexasEx
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Duke C #11
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[SIZE=10pt]ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________[/SIZE]
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
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[SIZE=10pt]ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.[/SIZE]
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
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[SIZE=10pt]ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?[/SIZE]
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?[/SIZE]
primal defense
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Godz40acres
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Duke C #11
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[SIZE=10pt]ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/SIZE]
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/SIZE]
primal defense
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Butts was born with the perfect name to work at the Colon and Rectal Clinic of Houston.
Donald R. Butts, M.D., F.A.C.S.
Donald Butts founded the Colon & Rectal Clinic in 1971 with Dr. James Hampton. Dr. Butts was the first graduate of the University of Texas Health Sciences Center at Houston fellowship program.
In 1982 Dr. Butts served as Chief of Staff at Houston Northwest Hospital.
Dr. Butts is board certified by the American Board of Colon & Rectal Surgery and the American Board of Surgery
http://www.crchouston.com/Donald-R-Butts.asp
Not as good as
Donald R. Butts, M.D., F.A.C.S.
Donald Butts founded the Colon & Rectal Clinic in 1971 with Dr. James Hampton. Dr. Butts was the first graduate of the University of Texas Health Sciences Center at Houston fellowship program.
In 1982 Dr. Butts served as Chief of Staff at Houston Northwest Hospital.
Dr. Butts is board certified by the American Board of Colon & Rectal Surgery and the American Board of Surgery
http://www.crchouston.com/Donald-R-Butts.asp
Not as good as
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Duke C #11
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: ? This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut
up.
(2) Five Minutes: ? If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the
house.
(3)Nothing: ? This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: ? This is a dare, not permission. Don't do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: ? This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: ? This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: ? A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want
to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she
is not thanking you at all. ?DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ?Damm YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that
a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
(1) Fine: ? This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut
up.
(2) Five Minutes: ? If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the
house.
(3)Nothing: ? This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: ? This is a dare, not permission. Don't do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: ? This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: ? This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: ? A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want
to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she
is not thanking you at all. ?DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ?Damm YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that
a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a
man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
J.B. TexasEx
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J.B. TexasEx
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J.B. TexasEx
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Duke C #11
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[SIZE=10pt]A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] wife is standing in[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror,[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] something positive to make me[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt]feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."[/SIZE]
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