Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Put a Smile on Your Face
- Thread starter Duke C #11
- Start date
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=13.5pt]HELLO OPERATOR[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Actual call center conversations[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]through; [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Samsung Electronics[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]states that I [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Telephone Jack before[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]cleaning. Now, can you give me the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]RAC Motoring Services[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]--------------------------------------------- -------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]wheel to the other side of the car?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Directory Enquiries[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
Went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the S creen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it.[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer![/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Actual call center conversations[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]through; [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Samsung Electronics[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]states that I [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Telephone Jack before[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]cleaning. Now, can you give me the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]RAC Motoring Services[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]--------------------------------------------- -------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]wheel to the other side of the car?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Directory Enquiries[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
Went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the S creen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it.[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer![/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=24pt]Men Are Just Happier People[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]What[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt] do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet, and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]What[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt] do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet, and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=13.5pt]As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] An impressive new book. It's called[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] And be Mary[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]3. The difference between the Pope and[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Your boss, the Pope only expects you[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] To kiss his ring.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Flash and it is gone.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]5. The only time the world beats a path to[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Your door is if you're in the bathroom.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] The seat folded up, the drink spilled and[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]7. It used to be only death and taxes[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Were inevitable Now, of course, there's [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Shipping and handling, too.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]8.. A husband is someone who, after taking[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] The trash out, gives the impression that[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] He just cleaned the whole house.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]9 My next house will have no kitchen - just[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Vending machines and a large trash can.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Mechanic might try to rip me off.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] I was relieved when he told me all[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] I needed was turn signal fluid.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]11. Definition of a teenager?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]God's punishment...for enjoying sex.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]12. As you slide down the banister of life, may[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] The splinters never point the wrong way[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] An impressive new book. It's called[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] And be Mary[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]3. The difference between the Pope and[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Your boss, the Pope only expects you[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] To kiss his ring.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Flash and it is gone.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]5. The only time the world beats a path to[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Your door is if you're in the bathroom.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] The seat folded up, the drink spilled and[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]7. It used to be only death and taxes[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Were inevitable Now, of course, there's [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Shipping and handling, too.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]8.. A husband is someone who, after taking[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] The trash out, gives the impression that[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] He just cleaned the whole house.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]9 My next house will have no kitchen - just[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Vending machines and a large trash can.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] Mechanic might try to rip me off.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] I was relieved when he told me all[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] I needed was turn signal fluid.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]11. Definition of a teenager?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]God's punishment...for enjoying sex.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]12. As you slide down the banister of life, may[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] The splinters never point the wrong way[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=16pt]SIGNS[/SIZE]
[SIZE=24pt]Si[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt]gn over a Gynecologist's Office:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Podiatrist's office:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Time wounds all heels.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Septic Tank Truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Yesterday's Meals on Wheels[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Proctologist's door:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'To expedite your visit, please back in.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Plumber's truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We repair what your husband fixed.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On another Plumber's truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Church's Bill board:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'7 days without God makes one weak.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Invite us to your next blowout.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Towing company:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We don't charge an arm & a leg. We want tows'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On an Electrician's truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Let us remove your shorts.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Nonsmoking Area:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire & take appropriate action.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Maternity Room door:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Push. Push. Push.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At an Optometrist's Office:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Taxidermist's window:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We really know our stuff.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Fence:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Car Dealership:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]Outside a Muffler Shop:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Veterinarian's waiting room:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At the Electric Company[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Restaurant window:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Don't stand there & be hungry; come on in & get fed up.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In the front yard of a Funeral Home:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Propane Filling Station:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Thank heaven for little grills.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Best place in town to take a leak.' [/SIZE]
**********************
[SIZE=36pt]Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:[/SIZE]
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
[SIZE=24pt]Si[/SIZE][SIZE=24pt]gn over a Gynecologist's Office:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Podiatrist's office:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Time wounds all heels.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Septic Tank Truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Yesterday's Meals on Wheels[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Proctologist's door:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'To expedite your visit, please back in.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Plumber's truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We repair what your husband fixed.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On another Plumber's truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Church's Bill board:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'7 days without God makes one weak.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Invite us to your next blowout.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Towing company:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We don't charge an arm & a leg. We want tows'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On an Electrician's truck:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Let us remove your shorts.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Nonsmoking Area:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire & take appropriate action.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Maternity Room door:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Push. Push. Push.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At an Optometrist's Office:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Taxidermist's window:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We really know our stuff.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]On a Fence:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Car Dealership:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]Outside a Muffler Shop:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Veterinarian's waiting room:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At the Electric Company[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In a Restaurant window:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Don't stand there & be hungry; come on in & get fed up.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]In the front yard of a Funeral Home:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]At a Propane Filling Station:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Thank heaven for little grills.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=7.5pt]**************************[/SIZE]
[SIZE=36pt]CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]'Best place in town to take a leak.' [/SIZE]
**********************
[SIZE=36pt]Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:[/SIZE]
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=10pt]ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan![/SIZE]
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan![/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=10pt]
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________[/SIZE]
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=10pt]ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/SIZE]
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=10pt]A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] wife is standing in[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror,[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt] something positive to make me[/SIZE] [SIZE=10pt]feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
[SIZE=20pt]Truisms[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]42.7 % of statistics are made up on the spot[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Honk if you love peace and quiet[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Nothing is foolproof for a talented fool[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Atheism is a non-prophet organization[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]He who laughs last, thinks slowest[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]I intend to live forever, so far so good[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]When everything's coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]42.7 % of statistics are made up on the spot[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Honk if you love peace and quiet[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Nothing is foolproof for a talented fool[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Atheism is a non-prophet organization[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]He who laughs last, thinks slowest[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]I intend to live forever, so far so good[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]When everything's coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way[/SIZE]
[SIZE=20pt]If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.[/SIZE]
Duke C #11
New member
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2014
- Messages
- 1,934
About Us
