It's a Funny World

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=18pt]Subject: Truly A Texan......[/SIZE]


  [SIZE=18pt]A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Texas[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]a young man fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]mother and father."  He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]going to jump."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt] She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, [/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]"I'm not married and I don't have any kids."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]She said, "Well, think of the Alamo." He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]She said, ''Well bless your heart, go ahead and jump, you
dumb ass Yankee."[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]It is the law in Texas – When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each must come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other is gone.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It is illegal to milk someone else’s cow.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It is illegal to throw trash from an airplane.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It is illegal to carry wire cutters in your pocket in Austin.[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

Dude shoots a 4-gauge shotgun

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable exposure.[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.[/SIZE]
 

 

[Godz40acres]

 

[Godz40acres]

Dude shoots a 4-gauge shotgun

 

[Juan]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving
a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.[/SIZE]

 

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.[/SIZE]
 

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=10pt]Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011



— Twitter API (@twitterapi)

 

[Duke C #11]

HELLO OPERATOR PART 1

[SIZE=13.5pt]Actual call center conversations[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]!

Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]through; [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                     Can you help?'
Operator:     'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:     'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:     'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Samsung Electronics[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]states that I  [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and   [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Telephone Jack before[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]cleaning. Now, can you give me the [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]RAC Motoring Services[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                    Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:     'Does the product name give you a clue?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]--------------------------------------------- -------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]wheel to the other side of the car?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Directory Enquiries[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:  'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland [/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

HELLO OPERATOR PART 2

[SIZE=13.5pt]On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone[/SIZE] [SIZE=13.5pt]box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:             'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                            Point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can [/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]                            You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:            'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]----------------------------------------------------------------------[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt]Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'[/SIZE]
 

 

[J.B. TexasEx]

Masculine Moments

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[MikeV73]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) https://twitter.com/Tennessean/status/638005812997267456" data-datetime="2011-11-07T20:21:07+00:00">November 7, 2011

So they have been asked to use non-existent words and poor grammer? Stay classy Tennessee!

 

[J.B. TexasEx]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=22&v=zHeInsITVUM