It's a Funny World

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=36pt]Once upon a time[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]in a land far away,[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]a beautiful, independent,[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]self-assured princess[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]happened upon a frog as she sat[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]contemplating ecological issues[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]on the shores of an unpolluted pond[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]in a verdant meadow near her castle.[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]The frog hopped into the princess' lap[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]and said: " Elegant Lady,[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]I was once a handsome prince,[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]One kiss from you, however,[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]and I will turn back[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]into the dapper, young prince that I am[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]and then, my sweet, we can marry[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]and set up housekeeping in your castle[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]with my mother,[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]where you can prepare my meals,[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]clean my clothes, bear my children,[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]and forever feel[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=36pt]grateful and happy doing so. "[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]That night,[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]as the princess dined sumptuously[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]on lightly sautéed frog legs[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]seasoned in a white wine[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]and onion cream sauce,[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]she chuckled and thought to herself:[/SIZE]​

 ​

[SIZE=36pt]I don't f***in’ think so.[/SIZE]​

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=14pt]We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Karen , call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam.  "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted.  "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]action I remember performing.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising
at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floo[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]r[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]butt naked in front of a group of [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]"been-there, done-that" paramedics.   [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14pt]all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, w here colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?"  They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

https://vine.co/v/eD3IzgiXP27

 

[Godz40acres]

https://vine.co/v/eD3IzgiXP27

Okay, he's too young to play for Texas... Could he be our new hitting coach?

 

[Duke C #11]

Don't shoot the messenger. A woman sent this to me.

[SIZE=36pt]The Why's of Men[/SIZE]​

[SIZE=18pt]1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt](because they are plugged into a genius)[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt](they don't have enough [/SIZE]time)  ​

[SIZE=18pt]3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt](they don't stop to ask directions)[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?[/SIZE]  ​

[SIZE=18pt](because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)[/SIZE]  ​

[SIZE=18pt](You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?[/SIZE]  ​

[SIZE=18pt](so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)[/SIZE]  ​

[SIZE=18pt]6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?[/SIZE]  ​

[SIZE=18pt](you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt](don't know....it never happened)[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]And the personal favourite:[/SIZE]   ​

[SIZE=18pt]8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?[/SIZE]  ​

[SIZE=18pt](because a vibrator [/SIZE]can't mow the lawn)​

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=13.5pt]Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[J.B. TexasEx]

Who or what pee-peed all over this high school field?

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[PeteA422]

Who or what pee-peed all over this high school field?

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

That's just a Texas HS practice field in August, at least during the drought, right?

 

[Juan]

Or, maybe its the end of the rainbow?

 

[Juan]

— Twitter API (@twitterapi) November 7, 2011

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=20pt]Truisms[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]42.7 % of statistics are made up on the spot[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Honk if you love peace and quiet[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Nothing is foolproof for a talented fool[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Atheism is a non-prophet organization[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]He who laughs last, thinks slowest[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]I intend to live forever, so far so good[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]When everything's coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried[/SIZE]

 

[armadillo slim]

after 42 pages I can't remember if I posted this or not, so what the hell.....

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties...

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said:

"You little prick, your brother won't let me in without a tie..."

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=20pt]More Truisms[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Success always occurs in private and failure occurs in full [/SIZE][SIZE=20pt]view[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Get a new car for your spouse - it will be a great trade[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener[/SIZE]

[SIZE=20pt]If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.....[/SIZE]

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=36pt]Zen Sarcasm Part 1 of 2[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]1. Do not walk behind me, for I [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]9. If at first you don't succeed....[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt],[/SIZE] [SIZE=18pt]skydiving is not for you.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.[/SIZE]

 

[Juan]

https://vine.co/v/ObVLP1d13Lg

 

[Duke C #11]

[SIZE=36pt]Zen Sarcasm Part 2 of 2[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]has a light side and a dark side,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]and it holds the universe together.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=18pt]17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative[/SIZE]

 

[tejasrulz]

That lady stealing the ball from the little girl, I hope she's really proud of that $5 ball.   SMH

 

[tejasrulz]

Google is awesome

http://thedamienzone.com/2014/09/09/identity-of-baseball-stealing-woman-revealed/